Better parent than I Am

Just for the record, I am a deeply religious person.

I don't talk about God stuff much in here. Part of that is because I feel deeply enough about certain beliefs that it feels too personal for me to share. Part of it is because a lot of times, people don't want to hear it, and to some degree I do write this for you. To some degree. Part of it is that if people realized what, and how deep, my beliefs are, they might think I was judging them, saying that being friends with them was being incompatible with my beliefs, and be driven off unnecessarily.
 
But that would be completely wrong, because I personally so seldom act upon my beliefs, at least in terms of what I think is appropriate behavior. Two of the most lighthearted examples? I curse like a sailor. Not here, but still. I also like sharing in bawdy conversations. Bawdy conversations + curse words? Fun! (I am totally rolling my eyes at myself here. but I'm being honest.)
 
So If I was to share equally my religious stances and my actual behavior and daily attitudes, nobody would actually believe how strongly I believe the things I do. I am incredibly hypocritical, although in a way I don't think I am, because I believe that the way I act is wrong - not that it's okay for me to act opposite to my beliefs. So here, in public, I water them both down, so that when I switch into either mode it's not too incredibly shocking.
 
Anyhow.

Today J wanted to play outside. I knew he wanted it, both because I am his Mommy and I just know, and because he had asked for it, kind of in passing. It took forever to chase him down and get his coat on! He wouldn't come to me to get his coat, even though he knows coat = outside, even though I was begging and threatening him. But finally I hunted him down, dragged him away from the toy he had just picked up against my orders, and while he wailed I put on his coat. Thankfully, he finally got it and calmed down to run to the door.

When I opened the door, the sun blinded him so that he whimpered and covered his eyes. I remembered that I had bought him some sunglasses for his upcoming birthday, because he loves playing with my glasses. I closed the door, told him to sit and wait, that I'd be right back. I flew into the kitchen to get the glasses, which I hadn't wrapped yet. Oh well - he won't mind that it's not for his birthday. In the meantime, he burst into tears - sobbing, ugly cry tears. I shouted back in to him "I'm coming! We ARE going outside, you just need to wait, I'll be right there!"

There, on the floor of the front entryway, he cried the whole time until I got back with the sunglasses. He didn't know what I was doing, why I would tease him like that, coat and open door and all, only to make him sit down and stay in a room without me. He didn't know that I was planning to give him something that he was supposed to have to wait for, but I saw that he needed it now, and that it would make playing outside that much better.

Last year, after Col went 11 months without work and I was having a baby, we almost got foreclosed on. Suddenly the mortgage company called and we'd been told that we had to make 3 [low] forbearance payments, then the remainder would just be tacked onto the end of our mortgage, and our interest rate would be lowered. Amazing!

Col called to tell them we made our last forbearance payment. The person on the line said, you never had any paperwork signed to that effect. In fact, whoever you talked to spoke out of turn. We'll send you the new information.

The letter came Friday. Forbearance payments as we have been making are requested to continue through May, then the last payment is supposed to be $9,000 on June 12 or we go back into foreclosure. There is no possible way that we can come up with that 9k. We do not have any source for that money, jobs or otherwise. It will be foreclosure again unless a miracle occurs (money appears from nowhere, or mortgage company relents).

Although this old house is drafty, just barely big enough for our expanded family when we're all here, and probably has $10k of NEED TO DO projects before we can even get to the Want To Do projects, I've been holding on to it like a lifeline. Images of crowded apartments fill my vision, of drab rental houses whose walls I can't paint to make a familiar room for J and R. I think of it going away and I clench and grasp and panic.

In essence, I sit down in the front entryway and cry about what I am afraid of missing out on, because apparently I don't trust God to be the loving parent that I am.