Marvelous, Magnificent Maddie

I never got to hug Maddie.

I never got to ruffle her sweet curls, give her a high five, kiss the scars that helped give her the short life that she did have.

Mike and Heather lost those things. They lost Maddie a year ago today, and lost all those ways to love her in person, too. The magnitude of that loss must make it incalculably hard to believe that she could really be gone, be not coming back.

Although my "loss" - simply losing the chance to ever meet her - is nothing compared to theirs, I wonder whether my level of disbelief, while infinitely less sharp and painful, could match theirs. You see, in the only way I ever "had" her, I still do.

I got to see her, in hundreds of pictures that her parents took. I saved off a couple dozen of them to my own computer, so that every time I open "My Pictures", I see her.

I got to hear her, on video, every Friday. I heard her laugh and sing. I heard her squeal in excitement. I still can.

It is so hard to look at the vivacious girl in those pictures and videos, and not think she's still over in California, jamming and making Mike and Heather laugh. It literally brings tears to my eyes when I remind myself that what I had - have - is all I'll ever get of her. But then I see it the other way: I still have her over here, in those ways, and in my heart and mind, and not only am I lucky to have that, I'm glad to be able to share Maddie with my kids and my friends for as long as there is someone to see.

(I don't own this photo; I uploaded it directly to save on hits to the originals, but this and many other awesome shots can be found at www.thespohrsaremultiplying.com or www.flickr.com/plasticcandy/)